Ancient and Powerful Magicks are Complicated
by Ryushi Nigami
Summary: Voldemort has found a new ritual for immortality! But will it backfire on him? Find out!
1. The Insanity Begins

_**Ancient and Powerful Magicks are Complicated…**_

_Hello all, it's me again, your random, crazy, and ever-so-slightly demented author buddy, Ryushi Nigami…Alright, not so much random and crazy, but I'm still slightly demented. A plot bunny popped up a while ago when I watched the first Kim Possible movie. Hope you like it…And REVIEW, DAMN IT!_

_**Chap 1: the insanity begins**_

Voldemort growled as he paced the 'throne room' of his lair impatiently. "Is it done yet?" He snapped angrily for what seemed to be the thousandth time.

Lucius Malfoy sighed, answering without looking up. "No, my Lord, it isn't done yet."

Voldemort growled again as he continued his pacing. "When will it be done, Malfoy?" He asked a minute later.

This time, Lucius Malfoy glanced up for a moment before looking back at what he was doing. "I do not know, my Lord. The Lestranges are out looking for the other necessary ingredients and unless they return by Wednesday of next week, we shall have to start over again."

Voldemort turned away, furious, and was about to start pacing again when one of his new Death Eater recruits entered the room. Voldemort perked up on the inside while outwardly he showed no change in emotion. 'Hello, misplaced frustration.' he thought. "You! You have ten seconds to tell me something I don't know!"

The recruit froze as his mouth tried to form something. "Tha..bu..wha…Ha…"

Voldemort smiled and, somewhere in the surrounding forest, a flock of birds started in fright. "Time's up. CRUCIO!"

The Recruit screamed in pain as the curse connected.

From his seat on the floor, Lucius smiled coldly. 'Newbie.'

Voldemort narrowed his eyes as he heard this and he finally let up on the recruit, who had pissed his robes and fallen to the floor, twitching. "You're lucky you need to concentrate, Lucius, or it would be you sitting there."

Lucius flinched, having momentarily forgotten that his master was an accomplished Legilimens. "Forgive me, my Lord, it will not happen again."

Voldemort frowned, finally remembering something. "Didn't he have something to tell me?"

Lucius dared not answer for fear of greater punishment when he was finished.

Sighing, Voldemort kicked the recruit, who wimpered pitifully. "Aren't you done yet?"

Lucius resisted the urge to start banging his head on the nearest wall. "No, my Lord, but I think that recruit was part of Macnair's team."

Voldemort grinned viciously. 'Great! More misplaced anger!' And, with black robes streaming behind him menacingly, the Dark Lord Voldemort stalked off to have some…_fun_.

When Voldemort was out of the room, Lucius sighed. 'Finally…Peace and quiet.'

Elsewhere…

Another Death Eater recruit was shivering slightly and talking to his buddy.

"What do you suppose happened to Trevon?"

"I don't know. He should have been back by now."

The first recruit's eyes widened with a thought. "Do you think Lord Voldemort killed him when he heard the news?"

The second recruit gasped, slapping a hand over the other recruit's mouth and pushing him against a wall. "Sssshhh! Don't say that here!" He said in a loud whisper. "Although…" He began conspiratorially, his eyes shifting back and forth. "I have heard some things from the others…."

The other recruit's eyes widened comically as he looked over his friend's shoulder and saw Voldemort approaching. He tried to warn his friend but his mouth was still covered. "MMPH!"

"Ssshhh! He could be anywhere!" The second recruit whispered again.

Voldemort saw them and wondered what they were talking about so suspiciously. he was feeling mischievous, so instead of going with his gut instinct and killing them outright, he decided to se what they were talking about. Making sure the one with his mouth covered was the only one of the two to see him, he leaned against the opposite wall, smirking.

The other recruit, however, didn't notice the looks his friend was giving him and kept on going with his conspiracy theories. "I hear he has wild orgies in the throne room with his inner circle."

Voldemort's left eye began to twitch and the silenced recruit continued to look terrified.

"I've also heard that he eats human flesh and drinks the blood from a crystal goblet!" the recruit whispered a little louder, still not noticing the look on his friends face.

Voldemort's twitch got worse and the recruit began to panic. He started waving his arms, trying to do anything to get his friend's attention.

"I also hea….What are you doing?" the other recruit asked. His friend simply pointed behind him and fainted. Fearing the worst, the conscious recruit slowly turned around and saw Voldemort leaning against the opposite wall, wand arm and left eye twitching. "Oh….shit."

"Wild orgies? Eating human flesh? Drinking blood? You must have been in Hufflepuff. AVADA KEDAVRA!"

_**End Chapter**_

_Well, this was originally going to be a one-shot, but I feel enough inspiration to keep this going for two. Please review and tell me what you think...and no next chapter until I get at least 10 good reviews. Flames don't count and will be used to toast my marshmallows so I may have smores._


	2. The First Misdirection

_**Ancient and Powerful Magics are complicated…**_

_Hey! Another chapter! This was originally supposed to be a one-shot, but I changed my mind as I was writing and decided to stop right where I was last time. Get ready for some more Death Eater Highjinks and Voldemort OOCness. Also, Does Merlin have a sense of Humor? Let's find out!_

**_Edit: Sigh. I suppose I'll throw this one down as a freebie chapter...but no more!_**

_**Chap 2: The First Misdirection**_

Already happened, back in Merlin's time…

"Hmmm…." Merlin sat at his worktable, bored to heck. "Gyah! There's nothing to do!"

A random servant who had been passing by his quarters peeked in. "Sir, the new manuscripts have arrived by messenger. He's downstairs."

"Alright, alright, I'll be right there." Merlin sighed and started to get up when a thought hit him suddenly. 'Heeey….I'm already a legend, right? So future generations will drink up anything I write without asking any questions…heh heh heh …'

Sitting back down, He dipped his quill in the inkwell and began writing furiously, forgetting about the messenger. 'Heh, an ancient ritual for immortality should really mess them up…although, they should get some sort of result… perhaps….yes, it shall be a ritual with the end effect of turning their hair bright pink permanently….and, of course, it can only be done once.' Cackling evilly, Merlin continued writing for a week before he finished.

Meanwhile, in our story…

Voldemort sighed as he stalked the halls looking for Macnair. He didn't even notice the new recruits who literally pissed themselves or the startled looks of his inner circle when he passed. "DAMMIT, MACNAIR, I WANT TO SEE YOU IN MY QUARTERS! NOW, DAMMIT!"

Stalking back to his throne room, Voldemort glanced over at Lucius, who was hopping on one foot, rubbing his head and patting his stomach while saying something in Latin. Voldemort's eyebrow lifted for just a moment. "What are you doing, Malfoy?"

Lucius kept hopping and speaking in Latin, but Voldemort caught a stray thought. 'I can't believe I'm subjecting myself to this humiliation! At least Lord Voldemort will finally have immortality if Merlin's ritual is correct.'

Vodemort smirked and sat down at his throne to watch Malfoy make a fool of himself.

At that moment, Macnair burst into the chamber. "My Lord! I have news!"

Voldemort's eye twitched as he hissed at Macnair. "You're late. CRUCIO!" The thin red beam of light connecting to Macnair didn't stop for a full minute as he thrashed about on the floor in agonizing pain. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity to Macnair, Voldemort stopped the spell. "Well? What news do you have."

Macnair bowed shakily as he relayed his message. "My Lord, the Lestranges have found one of the components for this ritual. They are currently looking for the last of the elements and hope to return before next Wednesday."

Voldemort smiled maniacally. "Gooooooood. I shall have my immortality by this time next Wednesday, then."

Malfoy, who had just finished his humiliating part of the Ritual, looked up while panting and sweating, not being used to long bouts of physical endurance. "Actually, my Lord, this is only the prep work. The actual ritual won't be finished until Midsummer's Eve, which is the Friday after next."

Vodemort spun towards Malfoy, seething with fury. "_WHAAAAAT!_" Still not able to punish Malfoy, Voldemort turned towards Macnair again. "_CRUCIO!_" The resulting screams of pain resounded throughout the Mansion.

_**End Chapter**_

_Hey, I got another chapter out! Fear my writer power! _picks up a random broom lying around _I am Sweeper, Master of the broom! Fear me and REVIEW, DAMMIT! This is a relatively short chapter, so I won't blame any of you if you don't particularly feel the need to write a review. But no next chapter until I get at least 5 non-flaming reviews!_


	3. Castle Crumplehein

**_Ancient and Powerful Magicks are Complicated…_**

_Oh, damn! Voldemort is getting kind of impatient. I guess that's what happens when your flunkies are incompetent and afraid of each and every one of your mood changes. Anyways, Onwards! And for this chapter, I shall be focusing on the Lestranges' search for the exotic ingredients...of sorts. OOCed!_

_**Chap 3: Castle Crumplehein.**_

"Merlin damn it all!" Bellatrix swore as she cradled her broken arm.

Two other faces looked out over the edge of the cliff and grimaced. "Sorry 'bout that, Bella." Rudolphus yelled.

"How were we to know there was a cliff behind those bushes?" shouted Romulus (can't remember for the life of me if that was his name).

Bellatrix sighed and fixed her arm with a healing spell. Then she thought of something and grinned maliciously. "_Reducto!_"

The red beam of the curse shot towards the Lestrange brothers, whose faces blanched. "Oh crap," They said in unison right before the curse shattered the cliff face below them. No longer having a ledge to stand on, they both hung in the air quite comically before falling that 20 meters to the ground. Rudolphus, being slightly more athletic than his brother, managed to land on his feet. However, Romulus landed on top of him, breaking his own arm and Rudolphus' leg.

Bella stood there, smirking at their moaning and groaning in pain. "Serves you two right for making me go first."

Rudolphus moaned as he tried to push Romulus off, put winced in pain. "A little help, love?"

Bellatrix sighed in exasperation. "Alright, alright. I suppose you two have learned you lessons. But you have to make it up to me tonight." She said with a wink as she healed them.

Romulus rolled off of Rudolphus and sat up, dusting himself off. "So, what was it that we're looking for again?"

Bellatrix growled and started walking off away from the cliff. Romulus blinked and looked at his brother, confused. "What'd I say?"

Rudolphus just started laughing and followed Bellatrix, leaving Romulus standing there confused as all heck. "What'd I say?"

_Meanwhile_…

"HALT! WHO GOES THERE?"

Bellatrix smirked and pointed her wand at the offending knight, who blinked and smiled. "Oh…it's only you."

"That's right it's only me. Otherwise, bad things might have happened to you."

"Alright, boys," The knight yelled. "Lower the wards!" All of a sudden a castle shimmered into view. It was made of pure marble with beautiful towers, streaming flags, and arched windows. Of course, there were soldiers patrolling the top of the wall who looked out to see who was at the polished, silver gate.

"Hey, boys, it's Bella!"

"What's up, Bella? Long time, no see."

"Lookin good, Bella! The black robes really suit you."

The knight on the ground smiled warmly at Bellatrix Lestrange. "Welcome back, Miss Black. Your room in the south tower is still open if you require the use of it."

Bellatrix smirked. "Actually, it's Lady Lestrange, now. I'm married and my husband and brother-in-law should be along shortly."

The knight's eyebrow shimmied up his forehead underneath his visor as he listened to the sounds of the forest and heard the tell-tale crashing of two humans. "I take it that they are not accustomed to natural anit-apparation wards."

Bellatrix looked at him strangely. "Natural wards? That's a new one. How does it work?"

The knight's eyes gleamed with mischief as he winked at her. "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

Bellatrix's eyes narrowed. "Don't play with me, Steven. I want to know what these 'natural' wardsa are all about."

Steven scratched his head as he looked at the ground in front of him, embarrassed. "To tell you the truth, I don't really know myself. I think it has something to do with the tendency of nature to want to even the score a bit and, with this being one of the last pure magical forests, nature had some fun."

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "You really are useless, aren't you?"

Steven looked up and grinned. "Why else would I be on the outside of the wards?"

Behind Bellatrix, the bushes rustled as the two Lestrange brothers stumbled into the clearing and tripped, not noticing the castle that shimmered out of view again. "Merlin, Romulus, lose some weight! This is the second time you've fallen on top of me and it doesn't feel good!"

Romulus glared at his brother. "Well, soooorry. I suppose if you weren't so clumsy, I wouldn't trip on you so often."

Before their argument could dissolve into fists and wands, Bellatrix cleared her throat. "What took you guys so long? I've standing here talking with Steve for the better part of an hour!"

"But…Bella…"

She glared at them and they flinched. "No buts! You two have double work to make up for this." Then she shifted her glare to Romulus. "You especially." With that, she turned and seemed to walk right into thin air.

Romulus and Rudolphus both stared at the spot where she disappeared in disbelief. "Did she just…?"

"Walk into nothing? Yeah."

"Brother o mine, I still can't remember for the life of me what we were looking for."

"I believe it was the horn of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack."

Romulus looked at his brother in disbelief. "Crumple Horned Snorkacks don't exist. They are pure fantasy."

Rudolphus snorted. "You mean like the Yeti we plucked that hair from?"

"Well, yes, but still!"

"He hem." Steve cleared his throat and the two remaining Lestranges glared at him.

"Do you mind? We're trying to have a civilized argument here."

"For Merlin's sake, man, we're British. Let us get it out of our system at least."

Steve looked at them strangely. "Well, I would do that but the Lady Black has implied that you two…buffoons…were her travel companions. As it is, I am highly doubting her ability to choose her relationships well. But you are still guests and I must welcome you," Here he made a motion towards the air behind him as he stepped aside. The men manning the wards recognized this as a signal and slowly shimmered the castle into view. Steve continued dramatically as the castle appeared, "To Castle Crumplehein, last bastion of the Crumple Horned Snorkack."

Romulus' jaw dropped at that proclamation as Rudolphus started laughing at him.

_**End Chapter**_

_Well, I suppose this is as good a place as any to state that the lawyers are starting to bother me and so would like to point out that Harry Potter and all affiliated characters and creatures belong to J.K. Rowling…except for Steven and Castle Crumplehein. They belong to me. In the spirit of that, I spent several days on this chapter (writing when I had inspiration) and so I expect more reviews, dammit! Also, no next chapter until I get 15 reviews. This is my longest chapter and I expect to be rewarded for my efforts._


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